It has been a while since my last blog. Let me post a caution
here. I will not be actively promoting this blog for a while. I am going to go
very personal here and there may be triggers for those in vulnerable spots.
When things get more positive -I may tweet and post links to this site – but for
now, I am willing to expose myself only with my active readers.
It is often hard for me to write these past few months
since I lost my job with the state. As
you know from previous blogs, I was at poverty level before with my job, paying
bills but not enough money to be able to buy food or to pay debts – like traffic
tickets. All the while applying for jobs that would help me recover my past
income level.
Ironic – or plot twist - the unpaid traffic tickets
becoming the cause of my December dismissal! Not the cause of my downfall – I have
recently found the truth of what (or rather WHO) caused my “fall from grace”.
But the final nail was my inability to pay the traffic tickets & my loss of
my driver’s license due to their status.
I now have a monthly income of $124. I have food - but no money to pay anything.
That said – I have been spending almost all my waking
hours scrambling for another job or a way to bring in enough money to keep the
utilities on. Time spent “hat in hand” begging at the local charities for their
assistance. Charities I donated freely to in the past. Scrambling to pull up
records and find vital info to qualify for their grudging help. It has not left
much time for self-care – like creating poetry or art.
One of my desperate ventures to bring in money has
been to start selling online. This
requires an initial outlay for “inventory” – the used blue jeans are still my “best”
– if infrequent seller. I have other items besides clothes on e-Bay &
Amazon and the like (designer clothes, collectables, Avon, books) but they have
not sold as yet - though my eSeller mentors insist they are a more guaranteed income/sell
than the clothes are. These sells are
occasionally just in the nick of time – to keep the lights on, the internet. (water
is a lesser priority).
Then there is the daily job-search – fortunately it is
mostly internet based these days. Most places only have online applications
now. This is good; I can’t afford a bus pass and my VocRehab hasn’t come
through yet to supply me with one for job-hunting and interviews. Without medications, most days, my body hurts
too much to allow me to do extensive walking. But interviews are rare and too
much time in between.
But the biggest reason I have not written is because
it is difficult to – mentally.
I get tired of my “updates” being only negative news
and I haven’t had positive news to report.
Mentally, I am going “silent” again. I feel like I am crumbling.
Not only is my self-esteem returning to its lowest points – it is returning to
its lowest functioning. I am having near-constant panic attacks, which shreds
my short-term memory. The panic makes it almost impossible lately to make
decisions – I am too sensitive to the negative impacts of any action. I am “losing” time – developing gaps in my
memory.
An empath – right now I have no defensive walls. Not
only does this mean I am sensory-overloaded when I am near other people; as one
who also “transmits” I am impacting those I come in contact with. Full-disclosure,
seeing my impact on others has started making me agoraphobic. This means, when
near other people, I really need to “clamp down” on my depression and negative
feelings. If you have met me in person
lately, this is why I seem withdrawn, stand-offish. And, yes, I am coming off a
little “fake” right now; it’s for your protection. Trust me – you do not want
to really experience the current depths of my depression and pain right now.
That is a massive effort.
This overload is effecting my home and environment; while I am now used to my
emotions causing glitches and sabotaging my electronic (most common cause of my technology fails) , I have now become a actual poltergeist. I am affecting the inanimate objects now, especially at times I am
home alone. It has become common for me
to be hearing crashes and noises from a room behind me, when I and my cats are
in a room together after my roommates have left the house. I no longer run to
see “who” caused it. I believe in scientific theory; the correlation between
the intensity of my moods and the increase in “supernatural” noise cannot be
denied. I work with trying to resolve
the issue currently stressing me when I can; work with isolating myself and
calming myself when I cannot.
I
am off my maintenance meds – so my physical and mental conditions are becoming
quite diabilitating. My Voc Rehab
caseworker noticed it right away when we re-met; she said I am NOT in a
condition to work. Some conditions I have previously shared. Some I am not yet
ready to admit to publically – too much ignorant stigma still attached to them.
I am not my disabilities; I do not want to be lessened down to only them. (I
may have to, here, later. But I choose today is not the day)
With
my caseworker’s advocacy, I did finally get approved for medical this past
month – but have not yet located new doctors to accept me with this new
state-offered medical insurance. I’m working on finding new ones; but it’s
robbing sleep time to do so. But I am finding years of therapy and work-arounds
unraveling. I am suicidal again. Don’t
worry overmuch on this last disclosure! I WILL NOT suicide; it is not an
option I will allow myself! I am just
being honest and acknowledging it is again a daily struggle, reshaping that
internal argument that I am not worthy to live. I KNOW I am – but, what can I
say – my parents really did a job on me as a kid. And your parents voices
always stay the loudest ones in your head as an adult. You can relearn
healthier ways of thinking – but they still stay there.
I
am grateful for the skills I learned last year in the Leadership Program I
attended – they have allowed me to hang on – but it is hanging on by my
fingernails. I am constantly re-wording thoughts in my head, restructuring the
negative ones into positive ones. I am not ‘unemployed” – I am self-employed”.
I am not a “failed” career – I am an e-seller, artist and poet. I am not poor –
I am relearning to do more with less resources. I am re-branding myself. Sure – it is partly
forced due to circumstances – but I am also making it intentional.
I
used my government jobs as “therapy’ – a way to compartmentalize myself and to
bring out my best functioning on a daily basis. With a daily audience, I had to
bring my A game to the table every day; be in control everyday. Sure, I would
allow myself lapses into “Poet’ or “Artist” – but I took pride in serving as “Public
Servant”.
Now
I am learning to function without that parachute. In fact – without any of my tried
& true therapies and coping skills. In light of this, I really shouldn’t be
surprised I am currently a full-blown poltergeist. This is essentially like a
pop essay-final, I have been stripped of every coping mechanism and it is sink
or swim. It is a rough lesson; sometimes I think I am getting it, sometimes
not.
But
today – I am awake. I have electricity and internet & have e-work to do. I actually
allowed myself to participate in a art event on Sunday – so I have a painting I
am now committed to finishing. (I hope this to be a step in a positive
direction). Today I will allow myself an hour at my Sunday spot to make further
study sketches of my piece, something I denied myself fir five months. I may
even do a Zentangle session. Today I will allow myself an hour to edit April’s
poetry. And maybe write a piece for today. Today I will venture outside my
imposition.
And
today, right now, I will write.
Bear
with me, as what I write will most likely not be pleasant. But it is a need can
no longer deny if I am to live. Writing is how I beat my past suicidal thoughts
and demons, how I recovered my voice and with it my self. I need to start
putting my SELF back into my daily life. April’s Poetry-A-Day challenges that I
participated in helped some, as I knew they would. My imposed isolation was not
good for me as it encouraged my silence. Silence, for me, is a trigger; I start
living only emotionally and reactively. I am not only dealing with the absent
silence of friends and past co-eorkers, but a silence from my thoughts as well.
In February I had even stopped writing to myself; it was bad how I shut down.
And as I process things/experiences through writing – it hobbled me. And, by
extension, it has hobbled my electronics, freezing up the computers and phones
in my house. So allow me to share some of my frustrations – so I may stop other
frustrations from being born.
Perhaps, one of you reading here also is dealing with high depression. Please, don't give in. It doesn't always get better ...
But the ONLY way for it to get better is to not give in!
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