I am back on the subject of self-care – and hopefully this will be a
shorter post.
As I stated, I’m trying to go back to basics, re-establish habits that
keep my day on track.
 |
| Hostas & Bleeding Hearts at Bush House |
Most importantly I am trying to re-insert my passions back into my life
– art, poetry & writing, gardening, theater, home, my friends. I have been
having a small success with that – but it is significant success.
This full-tilt chase after the daily coin isn’t my preferred modus
operandi; Money to me has never been as important as the people around me. I
have always thought of it as a means to the end, not the end itself … until it’s
inflow muddied and ended, leaving me unable to care for the people around me
and for myself.
As highly skilled in the office as I am, the traditional job search has
not netted me a job (read: stable income) quickly. So, since mid-December, most
of my waking hours are a “shotgun approach” for nickel & dimes; and my new
MO does not allow myself to “break” or rest the mind. When I have attempted to,
there have been notices of “dire consequence” (someone at the door to turn off
the electricity, an immediate need to replace hygiene products without money to
buy a replacement: reminders that my situations is desperate). So rather than
take 15 minutes to Zentangle – I take 45 instead to write a listing for yet
another thing to sell on eBay, I take 60
for “studio” pictures of more book to place on Amazon. Take 120 to professionally
frame and wire yet another of my paintings to offer on Etsy. Hunker down to brainstorm
yet other ways to market my talents & possessions to bring some money, any
money in.
In Debtors Anonymous (yep, I joined as soon as I realized 0%
income = 100% debt) the suggested spending
plan format places one’s own needs in the first category – starting with spiritual. This isn’t necessarily “religious”
spiritual; it is whatever you need to nourish your own soul, whether it be
religion, education, etc – we refer to it as “the cost of BEING you”. For me – that would be art, both written and
visual. And I consistently been skipping over that category – not just
financially but mentally, skipping over it to go to the second (physical needs) category of expenses” utilities, food, shelter. (I’m not even really doing shelter either; I
owe lots of property taxes, living my home vulnerable).
No – I haven’t allowed myself the luxury of being “me,” It’s no wonder
I did not feel like myself, did not recognize myself. No wonder I was getting
morassed in my efforts by the limits of
my body and pain.
I have long known that I use poetry to process life. I’m not sure how I
expected myself to process the current situation while I was unconsciously
denying myself poetry; but depression does mess up one’s reasoning! I even
tried talking myself out of participating in one of my favorite activities –
April’s Poem-A-Day
challenges; since Feb 1, I kept hearing a voice saying that April needs to
be better spent “keeping” the lights on”. Yet deep inside, where my poems were
silent, I knew I needed to write. So I started strategizing against that
dangerous whisper; I set up commitments and promises that I HAD to write. I
made myself as accountable to that as I did to job-hunting. (In spirit of honesty, I did let two fall
through my fingers; there just wasn’t enough hours in the day) …
There was even that hope – if I got Patreon sponsors for the
challenges as if for a jog-a-thon – the challenges may even help keep the
lights on. That part didn’t work out, no one signed up as sponsor and mid-month
I had a three day scramble to pay past-due electricity. On those days, I didn’t
let myself poem until about 10-11 at night. And yes – I still got hit with the “dire
consequences” of taking that time to write, I just factored in the unexpected
punches. Got more resilient and dug my feet in on my poet time.
And “lo and behold” – even as my reasoning continued to erode, my mind
felt better. National Poetry Writing Month
challenges always blast through my writers block by forcing me to
consciously thinking and re-think about an outside subject (daily prompt). I
was starting to see Depression’s lies as lies. I started bathing more often
again, started dressing for myself again and not for the Interview That Hadn’t Materialized
Yet. While my appetite hadn’t returned, I started eating again. And my
brain-storming sessions weren’t just resulting in a poor self-image – I was
starting to see some possibilities. Progress!
I knew summer was coming – and with that – my artists group’s Paint The Town program, many en plein air events
from May until September. I could not see how I could afford it – money-wise or
time-wise. Yet – it is only a $20 one-time participation fee and I learn a lot with
my networking with other artists. Coincidently – my artists group (Artists in
Action) has teamed up with my local poets chapter (Mid Willamette Poets
Society) on this event – resulting in it becoming Paint The Town/Write the Town this year.
How could I not participate? This seemed an engraved invitation. I have
been as blocked on art as I had on poetry; silencing myself. As both A POET and AN Artist, this
is torture. And PTT/WTT is basically a Paint-A-Day challenge – making me climb
over that mental block.
When my tenant paid part of his rent, I took $20 out and placed it in
my purse. Felt like a thief doing so, as if I was betraying my son and or pets
for denying them something basic – but I told myself it was a “Cost of Being Me”.
I made the commitment!
The first event ended up
being Mother’s Day …
oh, oh, I already had a commitment – to myself! I was going to get some social
time with my family and make an al fresco lunch for us. I didn’t want to sacrifice that necessity for
the necessity of painting. Both were “self-care” - and my only Mother Day gifts. How could I
fit both? And work them into my siblings’ schedule? Son announces a two days
beforehand he needs to drive our tenant to Vancouver on Mother’s Day; “when
will MD Lunch be” and no, he won’t be able to drive me to PTT event that day. My
brother in Portland wanted to catch a movie with family while he was down for
the day. I was frustrated, I was feeling all kinds of obstacles coming up
again, making my wants & needs seem impossible and unreasonable. You know –
Depression’s lies yet again.
What happened to my vaulted and dependable skill of trouble-shooting
obstacles? Did it only work in offices and production shoots? No. I would not
capitulate YET again … as I had the past four months. It wasn’t me; I hated
myself when I did so. I sat down and thought about the tools I developed in my Leadership
program last year, the tools I refined on the job: THERE was a way to make
it possible – impossible equals I’m Possible, right? – just had to re-think the
situation. Lunch became early family picnic at PTT location, two cars instead
of one so son could leave after eating, Sibling Movie Time planned after three
hours scheduled paint time. We had a plan …
Then another – West Salem brother could not miss his morning church –
an important announcement was expected . He could only make afternoon &
evening. PTT was only afternoon. Portland brother could only afford to treat
his siblings if we got matinee (read “afternoon”) prices. And son and I got a late
start on making the lunch due to a miscommunication – I thought he insisted on
cooking it (his M Day gift to me), he thought I counter-insisted on cooking it
as it needed to hit my brother’s restricted diet. By 11 am we were both in the
kitchen, working in tandem.
Revised day – making sure my needs were just as important as anyone
else’s that day – Son, Ptld brother & I had a lovely al fresco, very “heart
healthy” lunch on my patio – no time for that packing, commuting, unpacking
shtuff. FYI – The day was GORGEOUS and I had our view of the back yard mowed
and weeded earlier in the week! Before son left, he packed up a lunch plate for
W Salem brother. When he & housemate left for Vancouver, Ptld brother and I
headed for a movie-snack run and then PTT at the Bush House & Conservatory.
Looking for art inspiration, he & I did the House tour after I signed in
with AiA. Then, following my muse, we headed to the woodland walk near the
greenhouse. Settling a bench, we spent some companionable time; he on his
computer doing his work, and I sketching and beginning a watercolor of hostas
and bleeding heart blossoms (pix of them above). We knew our departure time for the movies – but needed
to revise it forwarded with new demands on W Salem Brother; 3 hours paint time
became only two. After the first hour, my brother hurt too much and headed back
to the car graciously to wait. After the second hour I headed back & joined
him. We got to Lancaster Cinema in time for the first Avengers’ movie; W Salem
brother still had some conflicts he was navigating, so we rescheduled with him
for an early evening show (we WERE going to spend sibling time together
somehow) and we caught an Ratchet & Clank
to kill the time. Not one I would have considered seeing – but it was good very
enjoyable. That ended just as we got a text from W Salem brother; he had our
seats for Captain
America: Civil War in the next theater. We joined him, and finally broke
out our ”movie snacks” to share. After the late movie, W Salem’s brother’s “lunch”
got passed over to him.
All in all, despite obstacles we had to navigate, it was one of the
best days I have had since Christmas. No one suggested I “not paint”, to make a
doable schedule; it was the schedule instead that needed to compromise. And we all made compromises to make time to
spend together. Son got “Uncle time” with one, prepped a meal for the other.
Keith enjoyed some quality Salem time at my place and outdoors, got to witness
more of my “art process” (he’s always been proud of my growth as artist, he is
the one who has stated the best Christmas gifts I can give are those of my own
art.) And Lee got time with Keth and I in our common dual hobbies of comic
books/movies.
After that day – which gave me so much more than I had planned – my
sleep schedule has reverted back to “office mode”. I am falling asleep before
midnight and waking up before my morning alarm goes off. Some of the brain fog
is lifting.
 |
| Mission Mill Museum and Mall, Salem, Oregon |
This last Saturday was PTT #2 (morning and rainy this time). I needed
to be at Mission Mill 2
hours early to accommodate a ride’s schedule, which blessed me with two extra
morning hours of art. The afternoon I made it to my poetry meetings
(that I have been absent from) The rest of the day was the business of poetry –
details we were hammering out on Write The Town, recruiting other poets for
WTT, debriefing and sharing of April’s poetry efforts. In fact, all through
this weekend I have had Art & poetry dovetail and demand my attention. I
felt I was back in my own skin for the first time in a while. Yesterday’s creativity
segued into a scheduling / prioritization of my tasks for this week. My mind
felt clear, decisions no longer felt like land-mines and mazes – more like
choices.
Am I still depressed? Yes, very; I’m still in a precarious situation
and my disabilities are rearing their ugly heads making it more desperate. . Am
I suicidal today? No. I can rationally see there will be light at the end of
the tunnel. This is a journey; not a destination. And I have my game-plan for
the week – back to more familiar footing of being competent. I can see some
progress in the steps I have taken.
And as for DA’s insistence of placing my daily life in the hands of my “Higher
Power”, my God. … I had a minor miracle this weekend. All the times the past
month, I prayed for a last minute miracle to pay a pending bill and despite
overtime effort to earn the money, had come up with “nil”. This weekend, I didn’t
“work” – I created instead. And my only online sales this month happened the
past two days, enough to cover the auto payment that hit my account this
morning, with a little left over. Enough to meet my needs for today.
So factoring myself into the equation “paid” off.
I will be spending more time, not just marketing my art and poetry, but
also creating it. I am also a gardener – I will stop denying myself “cultivating”
time. I’m a Literary - tonight I will pick up a book – not to prep it to sell
on Amazon but to start reading it. Today, Monday, is “Boxwood Cottage” work day
and it has been productive. Tomorrow is “CC Willow” work day. Wednesday … “Ariel” work day … Except for
shipping orders, I will try to keep weekends free for just creating – art, poetry,
sense of my life.
No – this wasn’t a shorter post at all … And BTW, I could still use Patreon
sponsors for my chapbooks …
No comments:
Post a Comment